(*WARNING* This system of assessment is unbelievably biased and should not be regarded scientifically.)

First we will surgically examine the year 2011.

But only on the state of the subject (read: self) and not on circumstances. 

A full mark for any given aspect is +5.

Here goes:

2011

Generally, it has its fair share of ups, downs and the plateaus.

Firstly, the PhD.

The subject has started the year with a determination to end the seemingly unbeatable PhD. Only toward the middle of the year has this desire became feasible and ultimately during the end of the year, the PhD was finally certain. Alhamdulillah.

+2 for ignoring the wonderful temptations and declining to give in to the powerful desire to procrastinate.

+2 for success in staying focused long enough to finish.

+5 for going through the writing phase, correction phase, submission phase, viva phase and final submission phase successfully. 

+3 for landing a job

During the last days of PhD, certain drama-like events took place.

-1 for behaving badly in a fight.

-1 for being impatient and didn’t think things through.

-1 for a loose tongue.

-3 for two bridges burnt.

+3 for the efforts of solving the crises.

+4 for the efforts of letting go.

::The total career-wise: +13

Second is personal matters.

1) Family

2011 has been a bumpy ride in terms of health for the family. However, through it all we’ve stayed together. +5 for that and +3 for quality time spent on family.

The subject has tried to do the best she can. However, the subject should learn to have some patience and approach problems in a much more effective way. So only a consolation of +3 for the efforts.

In terms of the extended family, being involved and being present has been a key approach. Therefore, involvement in committees for Family Day and the conscious efforts to keep reaching out to the extended family on both sides means +3.

::Total for family: +14

2)Friends

2011 trip to Thailand with friends: +5!

For losing touch with some friends due to decreased communication (drowning in the busyness of own life is not a valid excuse) -3.

+2 for making time going out with friends and not just be swept away by personal matters.

-1 for nearly losing friends over stupid MLM schemes.

-2 for miscommunication/misunderstanding between friends.

+3 for concious effort to clear the air.

+2 for efforts in making friends out of strangers.

::Total for friends: +6

3) Personal relationship

The subject has made no significant progress in terms of personal relationships. Sadly, this means -2.

However, efforts toward this aim is still being done. Therefore, +3.

::Total: +1

4)Self empowerment

+2 for positive steps toward losing weight

+4 for efforts to increase knowledge on religion and other interest

::Total: +6

::Grand total: +40

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So what does +40 mean? 

To tell you the truth, it really doesn’t serve any purpose except making me feel good of leaving 2011 and start 2012. This year, let’s score +50 on this nonsensical life self-examination, yeay!

What a lame way to start after being away for so long, right?

But that is all I got for now.

Actually I’ve been avoiding the internet all this time, largely because I want to rest my head for a while. My mind is like a stuck highway where all the traffic lights are broken. Ideas, people and thoughts keep honking away trying to get through. But all are jumbled up with no clear direction.

Who would’ve thought that these last days of me leaving would be the hardest of them all?

If you were with me that day when I was beaten down to the ground, I suspect that you’d bear no sympathy for me. Because I have no power of persuasion and I have not an ounce of strength left to uphold my dignity in the eyes of my judges. But still I was condemned as proud, and it amazed me to realize how good my acting was.

…

What if I tell you that I do not care at all?

The cheap shot I took bothered me, that I resorted to saying such childish things. However, above all else I seek your understanding of my situation. I was ambushed and I retaliated like a snake cornered. But in these later days after the fight, I realized that I did not regret anything. I am hardened by the things they hurl at me.

Then I found out it was all a test. Their judgement was that I committed the shameful act of being proud and disrespectful. The mindgames that entails are aimed to bog me down, to crush all my defences; so that I’d come crawling.

They are crazy. The one thing I’ve been praying for is strength. The one thing that I’ve been taught is endurance.  So there is no way their games would succeed.

I wonder, why do they bother to go through all this trouble? They hate me so much but spend so much time scheming to tumble my walls. I guess I got under their skin too much. But I have my limits. Have you ever heard that the opposite of love is not hate, but the opposite of love is indifference? I do not care any more, all I can think of is getting all this behind me, leave them all buried in my past. I hope I never see them again. I suspect this last wish is mutual, they also don’t want anything to do with me any more.

 Let all of this be forgotten in the sands of time.

Yes, we got to face it: in this world, no one comes out alive.
Once we’ve established that fact and everyone understands the impact of it, we’ll move on to the next stage: what we’re doing with the time we’ve been given here?

So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you would’ve done?

Don’t kid yourself that you have so much time, you can’t see how many stones of sand are left in your hourglass. Each second, without fail: we’re getting older and closer to dying.
It’s such a waste for us to just wither out and die, we have so much potential! We can learn everything, we can do anything as long as the heart agrees and the body is able. I’ve long believed that the world is such a big place to be stuck in one corner.
Wherever we go, whatever we do: God will provide, so why the hesitation?
I’ve never lost the hope that someday I’ll be able to tick off some items on my list. For me, the thing withholding me the most is the unavailability of money to squander on my dreamed adventures and the fact that I am such a coward to go at it alone. So friends, jom? We’ll overpower the ones that doubt us by our infallible belief that we can do it haha.
Some of the things on my bucket list (yes, very much like the movie but they did it when they’re so old, I was hoping that I won’t kick the bucket just yet :p)

• To handle any machine that flies, with me in it. I’ve been contemplating to take flying lessons, I don’t really care if it’s a helicopter or a plane: as long as it flies. Hey, even a hot air balloon is ok
• To play paintball. I’ve been jealous of the many people who had played. Seriously it’d be liberating to kill someone even with colorful balls of paint haha
• To ride a go-kart and hopefully a F1 car too. I’ve been dreaming of this since I was a kid and I can still feel the rush in my dreams as I tackle the bend of the road. Gile hensem! haha
• To learn diving and have a diver’s license. I got this chance when I was in uni but the fee then was out of my means. My ptptn is only for fees only, so xleh la berfoya-foya sangat . The closest I get to seeing the fishes up close is when I went snorkelling once in Pangkor. That was truly a dream vacation..
• To go to Japan, Egypt, Greece and Korea. My friend once told me that the pyramids in Egypt and the Nile aren’t all that they are so hyped to be but still, I want to go there! haha

So those are some of the top things in my list. I need some friend who’ll go with me! Jom laaaa…we’ll do some of the things in your list too ok? I promise

Ok getting back to the song, I’m interested with this phrase:

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll no one on the line

It is good advice not to burn bridges. You’ll never know when you have to cross the same river again. So in this life, try to be good to everyone and don’t cut the ties until there’s no hope of getting back again. What if in the future we have to ask for something from that person again? So forgive, but never forget. However, don’t keep those who bog you down. God did not create you so you’ll crawl through life. Just play your cards right: you don’t have to have everyone like you but you don’t need haters either. It’s a delicate balance: I’m still working on it myself.

Another thing is to keep your regrets at a minimum, because when you suddenly see yourself at the end of the line you don’t really have much time to redo or undo your conduct in life. When you gotta go, then you gotta go. You think the angel of death would stall his schedule just so that you can do that one little thing? Death is happening everywhere so you must understand how busy he is. So spare yourself the trouble and do things while you still can.

Say you love someone even when it hurts and give forgiveness to the ones that hurt you.
Give praise when it’s due and criticize only when it helps.
Be the one who build and not the the one who break.
These you do so that you’ll be the one to smile and not the one who cries.

p/s: I hope I’m not too thick-headed to take my own advice. C’mon, life don’t begin at any number, rather it begins when you want it to

You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
~Adhemar, A Knight’s Tale

Why is the fact that I am doing my PhD a sensitive issue for some people?

“Untuk menghebatkan diri lagi la tu, smpai x endah tuntutan agama”
==> seriously, how stupid can you get to let these words come out your mouth?
Is your faith in the destiny of every people as being controlled by the will of God is so flimsy that you have the gall to assume that the fact that I am single is actually a choice for me not to settle down?

I pity you.

Your belief in qada’ and qadar is non existent. Who in the world does not want to settle down?

Seriously, you being born into this world is not for getting married and reproduce only. You should make more use of yourself instead of wasting your time talking about other people. At least I am trying to make a mark on this world and I detest you for not trying the same thing.
It is not my fault that guys nowadays don’t quite reach the mark.

“jangan pegi tinggi sangat, nanti takde sapa berani”

Oh, so I have to stop now? What about the fate of our people, of our beliefs if all that is left to stand up to the challenges of the world is weak and have no knowledge?
Sorry, but I can’t stop even if I want to (which I don’t). They would have to catch up.

But wait, do you know what my standards are? Please do not talk of things you don’t know, it’ll just show off your stupidity even though you talk as if it’s the most intelligent thing in the world.
That is something for me to know and for you to shut the hell up.

Excuse the ego, but I AM fabulous, amazing, intelligent and incredibly cute. Just deal with it ok?

When you’re in my face, I’m allowed to take a stand. So step aside, you’re in my way.

Today the air cond in the lab is not working and it’s making my eyes heavy and threatening to close at any time. I really feel like a life-sized dumpling steamed in a giant steamer. If I am ever a dumpling, I want to be the pau-shaped plump yellow dumpling with little prawns in it. Ah, it’s making me hungry already (Oh, let me be strong in going through this diet thing..huhuhu).

Last night me and my family stayed out late as relatives came by to our house to look at my sister’s engagement preparations. Whole of yesterday and the day before we were all busy turning the house upside down to do spring cleaning. Award for the most dedicated person in cleaning goes to….drumroll….Lili! Yes, she is truly an Energizer bunny of cleaning, and it’s hard to keep up with her

After all the excitement calmed down in the wee hours of the morning, me and my aunt (but she is of the same age) lepak together and shared our stories. Naturally, given the setting, both of us reflected on our, erm, *cough* situation :p. I shared my weird story and she shared hers. Haha, btw, if u r reading this, thanks for last night, I needed to get that out of my chest

Then she posed a question: how do married couples know that they’ve found the ONE? She said that everyone she asked gave the same answer: if you found it, you just know.
Bah! I contest that, lansung x saintifik. That is indeed an abstract answer to a specific question. However, I know it’s impossible to put in scientific terms something as irrational and magical as love.

But I wonder, is it possible to just know? How long is the probation period to get to know someone? And how, God help me, do we know that he is the ONE?
For the last question, it is common knowledge that not everybody’s tale get a happy ending. So instead of the one, maybe there’ll be a second or maybe even a third. So is there a possibility that the ONE does not exist, but only a false illusion that is akin to searching for the end of the rainbow?
Why not, instead of searching for the end of the rainbow you just enjoy the presence of the rainbow itself?
I believe that God is never cruel, He is The Just. So if things don’t work out, maybe it’s something you have to go through to prepare you for the more challenging days ahead. We will never know if that other person is meant for us only. What we can think about is whether that person is worth the fight? Is he worth the pain and cost to your soul? I don’t know and it is puzzling to myself that I still hang around to see what happens. Well, they said that faith and hope are the most frail but hardest to kill of all emotions.
I don’t know but think that we cannot keep on fighting or guessing what is the other person’s attention. It is truly liberating to let go and trust that life in itself would flow as it is supposed to. It is exhausting to be on your guard always, always looking out your shoulder to exit at the first sign of rejection. When there is a desire to reach out, you fear that no one would be there. So you don’t. Hey, two can play that game right? Even if in the game of love, someone threw away the instructions
It’s a good thing that the heart is guarded, no one has touched it yet. You have to be sure first to bet a part of that on the line. Well, as they say, almost doesn’t count.

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You’d found it in me
But you can’t get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn’t count

I can’t keep on lovin’ you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that’s never really sure
Can’t keep on tryin’
If you’re looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

~Adapted from Almost doesn’t count by Brandy

So what now? I think I know my limits and I wonder how I got here. It breaks my heart to know that I am that gullible and naive. I have more urgent things in my list that I have to care of: my family and my PhD.
But maybe I’ll continue on this game, just to see what’ll happen next. Plus, it is a situation that no one I asked ever come across. So it’s a valuable lesson to pick up along the stony path of life. Maybe it is something that I have to go through and pray for the best. I’ve read somewhere that doa adalah penolak takdir.
So how to change your destiny when you don’t really know what’s best for you?
My friend, just pray to ask for what’s in your heart. I tell you, there’s someone listening and would give it to you in ways you wouldn’t understand or even want to. If you are near, then rest assured He’ll be nearer